Look at the picture below and see if you can guess what it represents.

more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:55 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I've mentioned before that I'm test-driving several(okay, 11) LiveCD Linux distros, trying to determine which one I'd like to use as a counterpoint to the ubiquitous Microsoft product. However, as some people have noticed, you have to be a bit geek savvy to work with even the most user friendly Linux OS. Installing a printer is just not that intuitive. For the record, I've worked in assorted Unix/Linux operating systems for more than 15 years, so I'm not a novice at such things. If it's giving me trouble, it's bound to be pissing most everyone else.

Anyway, if getting rid of Windows isn't really in the cards for you, but you'd like to have a portable Linux OS that you can take and use anywhere, even on older computers that choke on XP. then this article at Desktop Linux might be what you've been looking for. Excerpt:

Why would anyone want to use a Linux liveCD as a basic day to day desktop? Here are some thoughts:

• Easy to load and update -- Easy, because your data (including configurations) are separate from the operating system (OS). The idea of separating data from the OS has always appealed to me. It seems like a very logical and smart thing to do. Even when I partition a system for a hard drive Linux install, I create a separate partition for /home. Doesn't everybody?

• It's portable -- You can take it with you and securely boot up from just about any PC. Also, Linux liveCDs can often be installed and booted from a USB drive (thanks to some excellent standards around booting from USB drives). This really beats lugging a laptop around (especially when airport security is involved). The downside is that your Live-CD might not boot on all hardware. The distro might not detect the hardware correctly or the hardware might not be able to boot from CD or USB.

• Most run on older PC hardware -- Not only do they run, they usually run quite fast! (Did you ever notice that you usually cannot upgrade old PCs from Windows 95 to Windows XP?) Some of the older PCs don't support booting from CD or USB. In such cases, you can usually copy the CD to the hard drive and create a boot floppy to load the image from the hard drive.

• Security -- It's hard for someone to violate your OS when it resides on a read only CD. And, you can always reboot to a pristine state. This is kind of like going to communion and being forgiven for all past sins. Linux by design is a very secure OS. This just improves on it. Amen.

• It's just plain fun! -- You can remix if you like. You can do your own. This is one of the great things about open source. I am waiting for the next version of Windows XP liveCD. Don't get me wrong here, Microsoft does allow generating DOS 3.1 boot disks so you can network stage new XP clients. But that is more of an enterprise moment...

If you're in the mood to give Linux a test, but have no intention of getting rid of your Windows machine, this option might be for you. A portable, personalized OS that goes where you go. All you need is something like a USB flash drive for data storage and you're good to go.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 11:11 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Uh no, it isn't. Michael Crichton offers both insights and some stubborn facts concerning the current state of the world. Excerpt:

Now, if we are to do better in this new century, what must we do differently? In a word, we must embrace complexity theory. We must understand complex systems.

We live in a world of complex systems. The environment is a complex system. The government is a complex system. Financial markets are complex systems. The human mind is a complex system---most minds, at least.

By a complex system I mean one in which the elements of the system interact among themselves, such that any modification we make to the system will produce results that we cannot predict in advance.

Furthermore, a complex system demonstrates sensitivity to initial conditions. You can get one result on one day, but the identical interaction the next day may yield a different result. We cannot know with certainty how the system will respond.

Third, when we interact with a complex system, we may provoke downstream consequences that emerge weeks or even years later. We must always be watchful for delayed and untoward consequences.

The science that underlies our understanding of complex systems is now thirty years old. A third of a century should be plenty of time for this knowledge and to filter down to everyday consciousness, but except for slogans—like the butterfly flapping its wings and causing a hurricane halfway around the world—not much has penetrated ordinary human thinking.

On the other hand, complexity theory has raced through the financial world. It has been briskly incorporated into medicine. But organizations that care about the environment do not seem to notice that their ministrations are deleterious in many cases. Lawmakers do not seem to notice when their laws have unexpected consequences, or make things worse. Governors and mayors and managers may manage their complex systems well or badly, but if they manage well, it is usually because they have an instinctive understanding of how to deal with complex systems. Most managers fail.

Why? Our human predisposition treat all systems as linear when they are not. A linear system is a rocket flying to Mars. Or a cannonball fired from a canon. Its behavior is quite easily described mathematically. A complex system is water gurgling over rocks, or air flowing over a birdÂ’s wing. Here the mathematics are complicated, and in fact no understanding of these systems was possible until the widespread availability of computers.

One complex system that most people have dealt with is a child. If so, you've probably experienced that when you give the child an instruction, you can never be certain what response you will get. Especially if the child is a teenager. And similarly, you canÂ’t be certain that an identical interaction on another day wonÂ’t lead to spectacularly different results.

If you have a teenager, or if you invest in the stock market, you know very well that a complex system cannot be controlled, it can only be managed. Because responses cannot be predicted, the system can only be observed and responded to. The system may resist attempts to change its state. It may show resiliency. Or fragility. Or both.

An important feature of complex systems is that we donÂ’t know how they work. We donÂ’t understand them except in a general way; we simply interact with them. Whenever we think we understand them, we learn we donÂ’t. Sometimes spectacularly.
...
And for that matter, who believes that the complex system of our atmosphere behaves in such a simple and predictable way that if we reduce one component, carbon dioxide, we will therefore reliably reduce temperature? CO2 is not like an accelerator on a car. ItÂ’s not linear (and by the way, neither is a car accelerator.) And furthermore, who believes that the climate can be stabilized when it has never been stable throughout the earthÂ’s history? We can only entertain such an idea if we donÂ’t really understand what a complex system is. WeÂ’re like the blonde who returned the scarf because it was too tight. We donÂ’t get it.

Fortunately, studies show that we can learn to manage complex systems. There are people who have investigated complex systems management, and know how to do it. But it demands humility.

And I would add, along with humility, managing complex systems also demands the ability to admit we are wrong, and to change course. If you manage a complex system you will frequently, if not always, be wrong. You have to backtrack. You have to acknowledge error. YouÂ’ve probably learned that with your children. Or, if you donÂ’t have children, with your bosses.

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Okay, maybe I just need to believe in Santa Claus. In any event, I believe that this editorial should have put the question to rest, permanently. Thank you, Virginia O'Hanlon:

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus

Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897



We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O'Hanlon
-------------------------
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus?Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!

I'm certain that I will repeat this story many times to my newborn daughter, who coincidentally is named Virginia. Yes, I believe, too.

Yes, this is essentially a retread from last year's post. Sue me. I plan to post this little gem every year.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 01:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Out of the wayback machine come Bob and Doug Mackenzie:

Bob  Okay, good day, this is our Christmas part of the album, and
 you can play this at your Christmas parties, uh, or to yourself on
 Christmas Eve, if there's nothing else to do.  

Doug  Good day, eh? In case you thought, like, I wasn't on this part!  

Bob  Oh, I guarantee ya, you'd be on. Okay, so, good day, this is the
 Christmas part, and, we're gonna tell you what to get, uh, your true
 love for Christmas.  

Doug  Look out the window!  

Bob  Where?! Whadda ya doing?  

Doug  Snow, hosehead.  

Bob  Wha? Oh, it's the Great White North, and it's snowing, cause it's
 Christmas time. Hey, hoser!  

Doug  What?  

Bob  Here's a quiz. Quiz for Doug.  

Doug  Okay, I have my thinking touque on.  

Bob  Yeah, right. What are the twelve days of Christmas? Cause,
 figure it out, right. Christmas is when?  

Doug  Uh, the 25th.  

Bob  Right, and what's the 24th, Christmas Eve, right? So, that's two.
 And then, what's after that?  

Doug  Um... Uh, Wrestling Day.  

Bob  No. Get out.  

Doug  Boxing Day, yeah, yeah.  

Bob  That's three. Then what's after that? Nothing.  

Doug  New Year's.  

Bob  Four. And what's...  

Doug  New Year's Eve.  

Bob  Five. Where do you get twelve?  

Doug  Uh... There's two Saturdays and Sundays in there, that's four.
 That's nine. And, three other days, which I believe are the mystery
 days.  

 (Music starts.)  

Bob  Okay now. This is our Christmas song, in case you don't know
 what to get somebody for Christmas.  

Doug  There's lots of ideas in here, so, listen, and don't get stuck.  

Bob  Okay.  

Doug  By the way, that's me on the organ.  

Bob  Aw, geez.  

Doug  You start.  

Bob  Okay. On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a beer.  

Doug  On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer. (Okay...) On the third day of Christmas, my true
 love gave to me: three French toast,  

Doug  Two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer. (Okay...)  

Doug  There should be more there, eh?  

Bob  Where? On the... go.  

Doug  Fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: four pounds
 of backbacon,  

Bob  Three French toast,  

Doug  Two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer.  

Doug  In a tree. See, you need more.  

Bob  Fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: five golden
 touques!  

Doug  Four pounds of backbacon,  

Bob  Three French toast,  

Doug  Two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer, what was it?  

Together  In a tree!  

Bob  Okay, on the sixth... go.  

Doug  Of Christmas, my true love gave to me: six packs of two-four,  

Bob & BG Singers  Five golden touques!  

Doug  Four pounds of backbacon,  

Bob  Three French toast,  

Doug  Two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer,  

Together  In a tree!  

Bob  Okay.  

Doug  Okay.  

Bob  On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
 seven packs of smokes,  

Doug  (Nice gift...) Oh, six packs of two-four! (BG Singers also
 sing "nice gift".)  

Bob & BG Singers  Five golden touques!  

Doug  Four pounds of backbacon,  

Bob  Three French toast,  

Doug  Two turtlenecks,  

Bob  And a beer,  

Together  In a tree!  

Bob  Right, I keep forgetting.  

Doug  Phew! This should just be the two days of Christmas, it's too
 hard for us!  

Bob  Um...  

Doug  Go, hoser.  

Bob  Oh.  

Together  Eigth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:  

Doug  Eight comic books,  

All  Seven packs of smokes, six packs of two-four,  

 (Bob and Doug become unsynchronized with the BG Singers, and quit singing.)  

BG Singers  Five golden touques! Four pounds of backbacon, three
 French toast, two turtlenecks,  

All  And a beer,  

Doug  On my tree!  

Bob  Yeah. That beer's empty. Okay. Day,  

BG Singers  Twelve!  

Bob  Uh, twelve.  

Doug  Good day, and welcome to day twelve.  

BG Singers  Five golden touques!  

All  Four pounds of backbacon, three French toast, two turtlenecks,
 and a beer, in a tree!  

Bob  Beauty, eh?  

Doug  Where'd you learn to do that?  

Bob  Uh, albums.  

Doug  Boy. So, like, that's our song, Merry Christmas...  

Bob  Merry Christmas!  

Doug  And good day!  

Bob  Good day, everybody. Happy New Year, too. Sheesh. Okay,
 you know what you left out?  

Doug  What?  

Bob  Donuts - I told you to get me donuts! Either on the ninth day or
 the tenth day, or the eleventh day, I wanted donuts!  

Doug  Okay, the song's over.  

Bob  But I want...  

Doug  Merry Christmas, everybody!  

Bob  Or on the twelfth day, you coulda got me a dozen donuts.  

Doug  So, go out to the stores, and get some presents.  

Bob  You coulda gone down to, like, the good donut shop, where if
 you buy a dozen, you get another one free, and then thirteen for the
 thirteen days of Christmas.  

Doug  Well, next Christmas, I'll get me a chainsaw...  

Bob  Take off!  

Doug  Boy, that song was a beauty. It moved me...  

Bob  Yeah, I think it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven...  

Doug  Wha-?  

 (Music fades)

Posted by: Physics Geek at 09:35 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 855 words, total size 6 kb.

Look closely at the following picture and see if you can guess what word or phrase it represents:

Answer below the fold more...

Posted by: Physics Geek at 04:42 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Don't say that I didn't warn you...
=====================================

                            IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help

from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am 

 pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

 1.  No known species of reindeer can fly.  But, there are 300,000 

 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and, while most of

 these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out

 flying reindeer (which only Santa has ever seen).

 2.  There are 2 billion children (persons under 1
 in the world. But, since

 Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and 

 Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 

 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.  At an average 

 (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million 

 homes.  One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

 3.  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the 

 different time zones and the rotation of the earth; assuming he 

 travels east to west(which seems logical).  This works out to

 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that, for each Christian

 household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second

 to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the 

 stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat 

 whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into 

 the sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of

 these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth,

 (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes

 of our calculations we will accept) we are now talking

 about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, 

 not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once

 every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 

 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the 

 fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,

 moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second -a conventional reindeer

 can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 4.  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. 

 Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego 

 set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting 

 Santa (who is invariably described as overweight).  On land, 

 conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting 

 that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal

 amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need

 214,200 reindeer (a rounded figure).  This increases the payload -

 not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

 Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen

 Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

 5.  353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates an enormous 

 amount of heat when you factor in the air resistance - this will heat the

reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's 

 atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION

(14,300,000,000,000,000) joules of energy.  Per second.

  Each!  In short, they will burst into flame almost

 instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create 

 deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team

 will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa,

 meanwhile, will be subjected to forces 17,500.06 times greater

 than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)

 would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by  4,315,015 pounds of force.

 In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, 

 he's dead now.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The response

-------------

  The analysis you sent me about the death of Santa Claus, based on 

  classical physics, is seriously flawed owing to its neglect of 

  quantum phenomena that become significant in his particular case. As 

  it happens, the terminal velocity of a reindeer in dry December air 

  over the Northern Hemisphere (for example) is known with tremendous 

  precision.  The mass of Santa and his sleigh (since the number of 

  children and their gifts is also known precisely, ahead of time, and 

  the reindeer must weigh in minutes before the flight) is also known 

  with tremendous precision.  His direction of flight is, as you say, 

  essentially east to west.

 

  All of that, when taken together, means that the momentum vector of 

  Mr Claus and his cargo is known with incredible precision.  An 

  elementary application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle yields 

  the result that Santa's location, at any given moment on Christmas 

  Eve, is highly imprecise.  In other words, he is "smeared out" over 

  the surface of the earth, analogous to the manner in which an 

  electron is "smeared out" within a certain distance from the nucleus 

  in an atom.  Thus he can, quite literally, be everywhere at any 

  given moment.

 

  In addition, the relativistic velocities which his reindeer can 

  attain for brief moments make it possible for him, in certain cases, 

  to arrive at some locations shortly before he left the North Pole.  

  Santa, in other words, assumes for brief periods the characteristics 

  of tachyons. I will admit that tachyons remain hypothetical, but 

  then so do black holes, and who really doubts their existence 

  anymore?

Here is a link which contains lots and lots of rebuttals. People with less of a life than me. Go figure.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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'Tis the season for reposting.
Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la.
=================================================

My Christmas Story

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was
loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I
was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet
sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years
old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged
flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he
was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten
lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong.

He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had
three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years
old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made
very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to
save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young
boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the
money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take
the bus home.

He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the
hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And
nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and
sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken
boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
forhelp.

So, I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:26 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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And another from the not-so-wayback machine...
=================================

No holiday season would be complete without swatting the smug grin off of Martha Stewart's face. I give you the following:

When you read or listen to Martha Stewart's hints and advice, do you think to yourself "I could do that"? Then, you follow that thought with "What is wrong with me? Am I just a waste of good air?"

If this is you, then read on ...

MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turnupside
down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '98

December 8
Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade with
beeswax from my backyard bee colony.

December 9
Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all instrument
accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself.

Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by
handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last
minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 28
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved myself
used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local
orphanages.

December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with olive
branches, to signify desire of world peace.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends." Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge!

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.

Sincerely,

A Hopeful "Child"

Posted by: Physics Geek at 02:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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